How to Appreciate More and Regret Less
WHY: When you are reaching the end of your days, the last thing you want to feel is regret, “If only I spent more time with my family,” “If only I told her I loved her more.” One can imagine the endless list of “if only” statements that could me made, and it is sad to even think these thoughts. We should all strive for contentment at that point in our lives, not regret. This technique counterintuitively reduces regret and increases appreciation.
WHERE: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William Irvine. This book takes a modern spin on Stoicism, explaining their psychological techniques and advice in a way that makes sense in the world today.
WHAT: This technique, developed by the ancient Stoics, is called Negative Visualization. Often times in life, we tend to take what we have for granted. We think it will always be around so nothing about it is pressing. An example I am challenged by now is my grandfather, who is 92 years old. He’s been around forever and is very healthy, so it seems like he’ll be around for much longer. He’ll often ask me to go for walks with him or play cards with him, and I have the tendency to push it off until tomorrow. In doing so, I am taking what little time I have left with him for granted. The worst thing that could happen is for me to lose him and know that I could have done more while he was still with us, but it is hard to rationalize that in the present moment, when I have so much going on in my life.
Here’s where negative visualization comes in. To start this technique, you must pick an object of focus, here it is my grandfather. Next, you imagine that this object of focus is lost, that you will never have it again. Now you will ask yourself how you’d feel if it happened right now, what sort of emptiness would you feel in your life without it, and what you can do now to appreciate it more. By imagining your life without this object or person, you can more easily appreciate them in the present moment and make the choice that is most likely to minimize regret later in life. For me, practicing this for about a week now, I have felt an increase in my tendency to play cards with my grandfather when he asks me. I’m still not perfect, but I’m better than before.
A great side effect of this practice is that, when the time comes that this object or person passes (and it always does), you will 1) already have thought about it substantially and will be less distraught, and 2) will have done all you could while they were still there, thus virtually eliminating regret.
My challenge to you is periodically engage in this practice and take not in the subsequent days of how much more appreciation you feel. You will live a life with minimized regret and will feel content that you have done all you could.
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