How to Develop Tougher Kids
WHY do you care: I am personally not a parent, yet, but I do teach children, and I hope to set them up for success later in life. I’m going to assume that most parents hope to do the same. This concept is fairly popular right now, but is often misguided and I hope to clear it up for you so that you can better shape the next generation.
WHERE is it from: How Children Succeed by Paul Tough. It was a bit of a longwinded book, mostly geared towards underprivileged schools but had some nuggets of genius buried within. He did extensive research and worked with the best minds in the field to develop this concept.
WHAT is it: There is a lot of hype in the world of child development, mostly from pissed off Baby Boomers, that the youngest generations, Millennials and Gen. Z are “soft,” “can’t do anything on their own,” “entitled".” As a Millennial, I think they are mostly right. There are some outliers, as well as things we are good at that Boomers aren’t, but they are spot on with our flaws. The questions are now, why did this happen, and how can we prevent it from repeating?
I believe, and research shows, that helicopter parents are a main cause of this entitlement and inability to handle challenges. Parenting experts in the late 80s and 90s warned about being too tough on your kids and focused on building their self-esteem. Self-esteem and confidence are integral to success later in life, but only if they are earned. Participation trophies give kids a false sense of self-esteem that sets them up for disappointment down the road when excellence is demanded of them, not just showing up. Helicopter parents coddled kids, especially affluent ones, with great intentions, but disastrous results. Just look around and see the young adults who are overwhelmed by the slightest of challenges.
So what is the solution? I want to start by saying that exposing kids to chronic stress is severally damaging to their development physically and mentally. Overworking children is as bad as underworking them. In extreme cases, such as death of a loved one, it is ok to be emotional with children, that’s the human thing to do. However, we also must expose children to child-sized adversity. This may mean getting last place in a tee ball tournament. Not only does this give them the opportunity to understand that just being there doesn’t cut it, but it gives them to opportunity for growth. If they lose, they know it stinks and won’t want to do it again. They’ll be forced to learn. They’ll put the extra time in the batting cages to make sure they bring their team up. Obviously they may need help learning how to learn from failure, but they need to be able to fail to do that.
This is just one reason why I think martial arts is a great medium to build character for children. If they can’t do a technique to get to the next belt, they don’t get the belt. They must earn it. It is on the instructor and the parent to convey to the student that this failure means they must practice more; it is not the end, but an opportunity to learn. Expand this out to when that student is at his first job, and he or she will be lightyears ahead of his or her coworkers.
The lesson here is this: give children child-sized challenges and facilitate the learning they need to succeed once they fail. Don’t do it for them, but guide them there.
If you enjoyed this give it a share or tell a friend. Keep living life to the fullest!